Third Time Lucky
by hester4418
Summary: Written for VAMB's Secret Santa Exchange 2015. Janeway is presented with a tough choice that forces her to confront some unwelcome demons.
DISCLAIMER: _Star Trek: Voyager_ and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures; no infringement of copyright is intended. The story however belongs to me.

Somehow I completely forgot to post this piece, so I'm making up for that now...

Written December 2015/January 2016 for VAMB's Secret Santa Exchange. I received Quantumsilver's request, which read as follows: "Janeway, sometime after season three as we saw her onscreen, variably dark but philanthropic, compromising but unyielding, pragmatic yet unconventional... I'd love a scene where any one of those dichotomies (or some of your own choosing) are in conflict, perhaps in a situation where she cannot be all of the things she (or others) would prefer her to be? Go anywhere you want with any one part of those parameters and your interpretation of them."

The wonderful Eydie Munroe once again worked her proofreading magic on my text, so all remaining errors and inconsistencies are my own.

* * *

 ** ** **Third Time Lucky  
**** by Hester (hester4418)**

When Kathryn Janeway exited her ready room and crossed the short distance to the briefing room, she had every reason to expect the day to hold no special surprises. Of course there would be surprises, but they would be the regular, ordinary surprises she'd gotten used to over the past four and a half years.

She paused briefly before triggering the door sensor, gathering her thoughts. The senior staff was already assembled inside, meaning that she'd be set upon as soon as she entered. Resistance was futile, as she'd also learned over the years. So she resolved to grin and bear the excitement, relaxed her shoulders, and finally stepped forward.

As soon as the door opened, a resounding chorus of 'Happy birthday' washed over her. To her greatest surprise, even Tuvok joined in the singing, his rich baritone adding considerable depth to the recital. When the song ended in cheers and congratulations, Kathryn smiled widely, appreciating the gesture.

"And don't forget there'll be a party tonight!" Neelix called out emphatically, as if daring her to so much as hint that she wouldn't be attending the festivities.

"I'll be there," she assured him, finding that she actually looked forward to the celebration.

When everyone had settled back into their seats, the regular morning briefing began. In turn, Tuvok, Paris and the Doctor gave their reports, each noting nothing out of the ordinary.

Kathryn chanced a quick look out of the viewport. The stars hung motionless, glowing peacefully as if watching over _Voyager_ 's safety. Whenever they were moored at starbase somewhere some departments naturally had little to do, whereas others could be even busier than usual. The latter was currently true for B'Elanna Torres and Harry Kim, who were overseeing the repairs being conducted by several dozen Quorani yard workers inside and outside _Voyager_ 's hull.

She turned to the pair, noting that B'Elanna's face looked unusually flushed. Harry was fidgeting in his chair, only forcing himself to sit still when Tom Paris placed a calming hand on his arm.

Wondering what was up, the captain called for the engineering report next.

B'Elanna stood and dragged a large container from where it had been hidden under the table. Harry jumped to help her, and together they lifted the unwieldy crate onto the table.

Surprised, Kathryn looked from one to the other. "What's this?"

B'Elanna faced her. "This, Captain," she said with a trace of nervousness, "is sort of a birthday present."

That was definitely something she'd not expected. Neelix always insisted on holding a party for her every year – _"What better reason could there be to celebrate than our captain's birthday?"_. And she sometimes received small gifts from members of the crew – trinkets or mementos, nothing fancy – but there'd never been anything on this scale. Deciding to withhold judgment until she'd actually seen the contents of the crate, she waited, but nothing happened. Raising one eyebrow, she finally asked, "Are you going to open it?"

B'Elanna jumped into action again. "Of course, Captain." She produced a small remote control and pressed a button. Immediately, the top of the crate popped up and folded back on itself. Then all four vertical edges split open, allowing the side panels to fold down and leave the contents of the crate exposed in the middle of the table.

Perplexed, Kathryn scrutinized the strange contraception. At its core, it bore some resemblance to a miniature Borg cube, albeit made from a shiny, royal blue alloy. At least half a dozen slim yellow tubes sprouted from the top and fed back into the four sides at varying locations, and a thicker green tube snaked out from below and came around to one of the upper corners. There was an access panel with red and blue buttons, as well as a small screen on one side that was currently inactive.

Kathryn looked around the table. Harry and B'Elanna obviously knew what the alien machine did but, although bursting to share their excitement, they were waiting for her reaction before saying anything further. Not surprisingly, Tom also seemed to be in on the secret, although his expression was more guarded than his friends. Seven was eyeing the contraception with mild curiosity, making Kathryn suspect that the threesome had actually succeeded in keeping this project from her notice. She felt a smile tugging at her lips at her officers' enthusiasm, but catching sight of Tuvok gave her pause. The Vulcan sat stone-faced, his countenance even more rigid than usual. There could be no doubt that he knew exactly what was going on and that the proceedings clearly displeased him, but like the others he was deferring to her reaction before making his objections known. Neelix and the Doctor looked as clueless as Kathryn felt, but it was only when she looked at Chakotay that her good mood evaporated and a sense of foreboding crept into her mind. Her first officer's face was so entirely devoid of emotion or animation that he could easily have passed as Vulcan himself. She'd never seen him this closed-off; most of the time she could at least tell whether he was happy, angry, sad, or just lost in his own thoughts. Right now, he was doing his damnedest not to give away any hint of his thoughts or feelings, and that worried her more than if he'd been as obviously displeased as Tuvok.

Whatever this _thing_ in the middle of the conference table was, it clearly sparked a whole range of emotions. It was high time to find out what she was dealing with.

"Well," Kathryn spoke, once again meeting the eager gaze of her Chief Engineer, "what is this?"

B'Elanna face twitched as if she had expected her captain to discern right away what kind of miracle machine she had presented her with. Recovering quickly, she explained, "The Quorani showed it to us last night and said we could test it, with no strings or obligations. It came with very detailed specs, and from what I've read so far, it should work with any known type of warp field generator. In fact, they specifically developed it as a 'one type fits all' device. Of course it won't come cheap, but I'm sure we can figure out an appropriate payment; the Quorani seem very agreeable."

The more B'Elanna rambled, the more uneasy Kathryn felt, but she didn't let it show. "That sounds great, Lieutenant, but what does it actually do? Is it a new type of power source? A compatible slipstream drive?"

Harry finally took pity on her. "It's a cloaking device, Captain."

Kathryn's stomach clenched. Part of her was ecstatic, while another part was terrified. Now she understood why Tuvok was probably five seconds away from declaring mutiny. A cloaking device! The answer to _Voyager_ 's most critical problems, and yet the worst can of worms that had ever entered the ship. With a functioning cloaking device, avoiding hostile aliens would become almost child's play. Though it wouldn't increase their velocity per se, traveling would still be much faster if they didn't have to constantly fend off mercenaries or wait for days before being granted passage through a given area of space. They'd be free to reveal themselves only to those who appeared friendly, and quietly pass by those who did not. No more frequent repairs for damage incurred in skirmishes, no more time-consuming mining operations to obtain minerals critical to the ship's continuous upkeep. Apart from a stable wormhole leading straight to the Alpha Quadrant, a cloaking device was probably the most useful discovery for this lone ship still terribly far from home.

The only problem was that she couldn't possibly allow its operation.

After Harry's declaration, a hush had fallen over the room, and Kathryn knew it was her obligation to break it. "What makes you think that this device would be compatible with _Voyager_ 's systems?" she asked, keeping her voice as neutral as possible. From the corner of her eye, she saw Tuvok's eyebrow shoot up, but it was Seven who spoke quickest.

"Captain, I must remind you that the Treaty of –"

"Seven, you don't need to remind me," Kathryn cut her off sharply. Disregarding the ex-Borg's offended expression, she turned back to B'Elanna. "Lieutenant? I was under the impression that the Quorani were unfamiliar with a matter/antimatter propulsion system."

Looking like a child that had just been granted a most secret wish, B'Elanna hastened to explain. "That's right, Captain, but as I said before, that's part of the beauty of the design. The type of propulsion system or warp field generator is irrelevant. Once you connect it to..."

While Kathryn listened to the engineer's explanation, her gaze once again roamed the table. Seven was now engaged in a whispered argument with the Doctor, whose forehead was creased so deeply that the captain idly wondered whether his programmer had purposely defined an extended range of facial expressions for him. Neelix still looked puzzled, his attention now on Tuvok. So he'd noticed the Vulcan's hostile aura as well, Kathryn mused. Whether Neelix realized the full conflict potential associated with a cloaking device remained to be seen. Chakotay purposely evaded her gaze, and she made a mental note to speak to him as soon as possible.

Concluding her report, B'Elanna once again fixed expectant eyes on her commanding officer.

Kathryn had to admit that the theory behind the device appeared sound, but the whole prospect just seemed too convenient. "What's the catch?" she asked, point blank.

B'Elanna hesitated. Once again it was Harry who broke the news. "It's a prototype," he confessed. Seeing Kathryn's eyebrow rise, he hastened to clarify, "One of the Quorani engineers developed it in her spare time. Her supervisor thinks that it's a great theoretical concept but that it'll never work. We believe differently." He looked at B'Elanna, who nodded emphatically.

"How long would you need for conclusive tests?" the captain wanted to know.

"Due to the amount of detail in the specs, we estimate only about a day," B'Elanna replied. "Lieutenant Paris offered to help."

"Pending your approval, of course," Tom interjected eagerly. "But as long as we're docked here, there isn't much use for a pilot on the bridge."

Chakotay finally spoke up, fixing the younger man with a penetrating stare. "Weren't you supposed to help the Doctor with his inventory?"

"We're already done," Tom assured him, looking to the EMH for a confirming nod. "He's also updated me on some of the new procedures he's developed in recent months, so there really isn't much more for me to do in Sickbay, either." Once again, the Doctor nodded his agreement, though uncharacteristically silent.

Kathryn weighed her options. No matter what she decided, protests and discussions were sure to follow on various fronts. Sighing inwardly, she got to her feet and turned toward the viewport, where a gracefully arched docking pylon cut vertically through her line of vision.

The Delta Quadrant was perilous territory for a lone Federation vessel, and lately _Voyager_ had again been hit hard. Three attacks within as many days had left the ship in severe need of repairs, and this time even B'Elanna Torres' engineering crews could not work their usual miracles. A mysterious alien weapon had rendered _Voyager_ 's hull buckled and brittle in numerous places. Emergency forcefields had ensured hull integrity for a time, but the power generators would not have been able to handle the added strain for very long. All in all, they were lucky to have escaped without casualties, and that there was no further pursuit or attack after the third day. The damage was so extensive that it could not be repaired by conventional means, not least because they were once again running low on raw materials.

The captain was faced with a choice; landing the ship and setting up both a mining operation for the needed ores and an on-site repair facility – likely for several months – or looking for a friendly spacefaring race that would grant them access to their shipyards. Kathryn had emphatically stated that she liked neither option but that, given the dire circumstances, they'd start looking for both. So for ten days, _Voyager_ had been cruising at warp two, the highest 'safe' speed agreed on by Torres and Kim, scanning desperately for a safe harbor, until they'd struck gold.

The Quoran Assembly comprised an area almost as large as the Cardassian Union, with several dozen races united in a loosely democratic construct. Their borders were heavily guarded by numerous small ships with considerable firepower. Following her gut feeling, Kathryn had ordered an approach with shields down and weapons cold, which earned her a nod of approval from Chakotay and a thinly veiled objection from Tuvok. Still, her instincts were proven right when the Quorani guard ships adopted a non-aggressive escort formation before responding to the captain's hail in a most friendly and agreeable manner. After the exchange of some pleasantries and assurances of _Voyager_ 's peaceful intent, she managed to secure safe passage through Quorani space as well as an invitation to make use of a shipbuilding facility less than a day's travel distant.

Hardly able to believe their luck, the crew remained wary and alert through the docking procedure and the damage assessment by resident Quorani engineers. B'Elanna and Kathryn questioned every figure in their reports, but ultimately had to concede that they'd done a thorough job of listing _Voyager_ 's troubles. Payment was readily agreed on – their hydroponics technology, including seeds and tubers, had the aliens gaping with undisguised delight.

The briefing room had stayed suspiciously silent while Kathryn ruminated about the twist of fate that had brought them to this facility. When she spoke, she did so without turning. "Lieutenant Torres, proceed with your analysis of the cloaking device." Behind her, someone inhaled sharply; Kathryn suspected either Chakotay or Tuvok. "Have Lieutenant Paris and Ensign Kim help you in whatever way necessary. I expect you to keep me informed every step of the way, and to discontinue all further tests at the slightest sign of trouble. Is that understood?"

"Perfectly, Captain," B'Elanna assured her, relief and excitement coloring her words.

"Good. This meeting is adjourned. Lieutenant Tuvok, please stay."

"Captain –"

"I'll see you later in my ready room, Commander," Kathryn cut off whatever Chakotay was trying to say. She knew she needed to talk to him, but she wanted to do it on her own time, and in private. Apparently her first officer accepted her momentary dismissal, because for a while all she heard was the sound of chairs being pushed back and booted feet shuffling out through the doors. A soft metallic click indicated the reassembly of the container housing the cloaking device, and a sliding sound followed by a grunt meant that the heavy cargo was also being removed from the room. When all was silent, she finally turned.

Only Tuvok remained in his seat at the table, hands steepled in front of him. With his lips thinly pressed together and his eyes fixed straight ahead, he looked as calm as the icy plains of Andoria, but Kathryn knew better. Perching her hip on one side of the conference table, she waited for Tuvok to voice his objections.

He finally turned his eyes up to hers. "Permission to speak freely, Captain?"

"By all means." She spread her arms wide to show that she was open to whatever he had to say.

"Very well." He studied her for a moment, but she steadily returned his gaze. Years of serving with the Vulcan had taught her quite a bit about how to read his moods and how to respond to them. Right now, she would need to remain Vulcanly calm and composed to make him understand her reasoning. "I wish to inquire why you have decided to disregard the Treaty of Algernon," Tuvok stated.

Kathryn blinked as if surprised. "When did you hear me say that?" she countered.

"You gave Lieutenant Torres permission to continue her tests of the device. And you refused to let Seven of Nine restate terms of the treaty."

"I'm quite familiar with the Treaty of Algernon, without listening to Seven recite all twenty-nine articles curtailing the use of cloaking devices on Federation ships," Kathryn remarked dryly. "Yet I don't recall saying that I wouldn't adhere to it."

Unblinking, Tuvok considered her statement. "Then why did you tell Lieutenant Torres to continue with her tests?"

She slid off the table and started pacing, away from the viewport and image of the Quorani shipyard. "Hypothetically speaking," she began, "if we were to acquire a functioning cloaking device, what effects would you expect on crew morale?"

"All legal aspects aside, employing a cloaking device on _Voyager_ would very likely lead to a noticeable increase in crew morale, as well as reduce the risk of injury, strain and stress levels," Tuvok replied calmly.

"Exactly. Now for the reverse: If I had forbidden any further testing, what kind of reactions would you expect from the crew?"

The Vulcan narrowed his eyes as he followed her train of thought. "If word got out that we had the option of obtaining a cloaking device but didn't pursue it, the possibility of negative reactions by a majority of the crew appears probable."

Kathryn stopped her pacing and faced her friend, arms crossed in front of her. "Conclusion?"

If Tuvok had been human, he surely would've frowned as he attempted to puzzle out her meaning. Kathryn waited patiently until Vulcan logic caught up with human cunning.

"You expect the tests to fail," he finally stated, the tilt of his brows relaxing slightly. "That was... not what I expected."

"I thought as much." The knowledge that she'd surprised him brought no satisfaction at all, because she knew that he'd already spotted the flaw in her plan.

Tuvok continued, "And you believe that the crew will have an easier time accepting a failed experiment than a missed opportunity."

"That's right," Kathryn replied softly. "We've been disappointed so many times already, it will be just another chapter added to the record. But if we didn't at least investigate the possibility, I'd run the risk of mutiny. You yourself are the best proof of that."

"You are referring to my illegal dealings with the Sikarians," he said and she nodded. "My involvement was... ill-advised. Given similar circumstances today, I would not repeat my actions."

"I'm glad to hear it." Kathryn allowed herself a small smile.

"However," he went on.

"I know what you're going to say," she cut him off, hoping to forestall the argument he was about to start.

He nodded for her to continue.

"What if the cloaking device turns out to be viable and compatible with _Voyager_ 's systems?" Kathryn blew out a breath and sat down heavily in the chair across from Tuvok. "Honestly? I don't know. If the cloak really works, the Quorani may not be so keen to part with their only prototype. Besides, I still don't think that outcome is realistic, so we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

"You appear uncharacteristically reluctant to account for all possibilities," Tuvok observed. "I believe it would be wise to have a contingency plan, so as not to raise the crew's hopes unduly."

"I'll think about it," she promised.

His business with the captain concluded, Tuvok rose.

"What we've just discussed must not leave this room," Kathryn warned him, although she knew she risked offending him by questioning his willingness or ability to keep the subject of their discussion a secret.

Tuvok nodded serenely. "Of course, Captain."

She dismissed him with a nod of her head and then leaned back in her chair, exhaling loudly. One down. But rather than feeling elated at her small victory, she dreaded the hours still ahead.

-==/\==-

When Kathryn entered the bridge, she was surprised to find Chakotay not there. Only when Tuvok reminded her that the Quorani Magistrate had requested a meeting the day before did she remember that she'd shunted the encounter to her first officer in a rare fit of birthday-induced laziness.

She spoke to B'Elanna twice over the course of the morning and early afternoon. The first time, the chief engineer reported that the cloaking device had been successfully integrated into a holo-simulation of _Voyager_ 's engine room, and that her team was proceeding to the first test flights. Two hours later, Susan Nicoletti alerted the captain to several anomalous spikes in the holodeck's energy conversion matrix. Kathryn's call below decks broke in on a flood of Klingon expletives quickly shushed by the voice of Tom Paris, who then proceeded to give a quick and smooth explanation about burned-out relays and the need to move their operation to a different holodeck. Kathryn exchanged a meaningful glance with Tuvok and approved the move without further comment.

She spent the day alternating between the bridge and her ready room, reviewing reports and charting two alternate routes out of Quorani space for whenever the repairs were complete. The atmosphere was quiet all around, many systems having been powered down for the duration of _Voyager_ 's stay at the shipyard.

Since breaks like this were few and far between for the crew, Kathryn had given everyone the option of scaling back their duty hours and working shorter shifts. Now, with the matter of the cloaking device weighing heavily on her mind, she decided to take advantage of her own orders and quit the bridge early, telling herself that her birthday also permitted some indulgence.

She was just about to doze off in her bathtub, rose-scented bubbles popping quietly around her, when her door chime sounded.

"Who is it?" she called out hoarsely, blinking to chase away the cobwebs of an almost slumber.

The answer was instantaneous, and not unexpected. "Chakotay."

"Come in," she commanded without moving from her position. The door opened and closed, and she pictured him looking around in confusion.

"Kathryn?"

"I'm taking a bath."

His chuckle carried through the open doorway, accompanied by the sound of his soft footfalls crossing into her bedroom. The bed creaked slightly as he sat down. "I never thought I'd catch you playing hooky."

"I'm not," she told him indignantly. "As you will recall, it was your recommendation to allow half shifts for the duration of our stay at the Quorani shipyard."

"True, but usually you insist of covering for everyone and don't take time off yourself. What's different today?"

"It's my birthday?" she offered.

Chakotay laughed. "In that case, far be it from me to draw you away from your present to yourself. Do you want me to leave?"

"No, stay," she told him, leaning her head back and closing her eyes. "Tell me about your visit to the station."

He did as she asked, but her mind soon started to wander. This was the third or fourth time they were having a conversation in this manner, and by now it felt almost as natural as talking to him over a working dinner at her table or in the ready room. The first time he'd surprised her while she was in the tub, she'd even asked him to come all the way into her bathroom, eagerly awaiting a special report he'd brought. He hadn't averted his eyes when he'd handed her the padd, and even quipped about the mountain of bubbles that hid her from the chin down. She'd laughed. He'd seen her in nothing more than a towel on New Earth, and she'd thought it a waste of time to stand on false modesty. The second time, he'd come with an urgent matter to discuss, and rather than send him away and conduct business over a comm channel, she'd asked him to take a seat on her bed so they could talk easily. It had almost become routine by now. They were close, yet not quite as close as she would've liked.

Chakotay's story about meeting the magistrate and exploring the shipyard's amenities wound down. Kathryn shifted a little higher in the tub, forcing herself to become more alert. "Now tell me why you're here."

He didn't reply immediately, confirming her suspicion. He hadn't come just for idle talk. "I ran into B'Elanna when I came back to _Voyager_ ," he began quietly.

Kathryn frowned even though he couldn't see it. "I thought she was still on the holodeck?"

"She was on her way back from Sickbay. The Doctor had to treat her for some burns on her hands. She's fine," he added quickly, before Kathryn could ask. "Apparently they deactivated the safety protocols for one of their later tests and then a console blew up. She assured me that no other harm had been done though." Once again, Chakotay paused.

Kathryn sensed that she wasn't going to like what he would say next, but his voice remained neutral.

"Despite the explosion, she was very optimistic. When she heard I was coming to see you, she asked me to tell you that so far, the tests look promising, and that she expects to have good news before the evening is over."

Kathryn stared straight ahead, hardly registering the pattern on the tiled bathroom wall. It couldn't be true. B'Elanna's experiment was supposed to fail, releasing the captain from the burden of having to make a decision that could put _Voyager_ 's occupants into mortal danger either way.

"Kathryn?" Chakotay's voice, tentative yet curious, roused her.

"Hang on a minute," she replied, lifting herself from the tub and reaching for a towel. When she emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later, damp hair loosely pinned up and a thick terry cloth robe wrapped tightly around her body, she found that he'd retreated to the couch in her living room. She shed the robe in favor of some comfortable pants and a T-shirt and then went to join him, gracefully accepting the cup of coffee he had waiting for her.

"I'm sorry for cutting you off this morning at the staff meeting," she said, using the excuse to stall but knowing that he'd easily see through her diversion. "I hope I didn't sound too harsh, but I felt in no condition to have an argument with you at the time, and particularly not in front of the senior staff."

Chakotay acknowledged her apology with a nod. "I'll admit I was upset, but not so much as to cause a scene." He smiled slightly and turned his body toward her, kicking off his boots and pulling one knee up on the couch to face her more easily. After taking another sip from his own coffee, he stared down into the cup. "I was... surprised when you told B'Elanna to go ahead. No, strike that. I think 'flabbergasted' would be a more accurate description. I'd expected you to quote the Treaty of Algernon and put an end to the project right away. But I've had some time to think, and I believe I now understand." He swirled the coffee around in his cup and then looked up, tilting his head and narrowing his eyes. "You never expected the experiment to succeed, did you?"

"No," she sighed, hoping that she was this transparent only for Tuvok and Chakotay. "I didn't, but I thought it would be better for morale if I at least let B'Elanna and her team tinker with the device. A week ago, the Quorani had never even heard of an antimatter injector! How likely is it that this prototype developed by a single engineer would be compatible with _Voyager_ 's systems?"

"If that engineer is anything like B'Elanna Torres, I'd say the likelihood isn't as small as you'd hoped." He still regarded her thoughtfully. "So what's your Plan B?"

"I have none!" Kathryn exclaimed with sudden exasperation, throwing up her hands and barely avoiding spilling her coffee all over Chakotay's leg. "And I dread the moment that she's going to call me with her 'good news', believing that I'll open negotiations with the Quorani first thing in the morning."

He reached for her mug and gently extricated it from her hand, setting it down on the couch table beside his own. Then he leaned forward, clasping his hands in his lap and regarding her intently. "Tell me about the reasons why you won't even consider trying to obtain the device."

Kathryn stared at him. "Have you lost your mind? You can't seriously suggest –"

" _We'll be looking for wormholes, spatial rifts, or new technologies to help us get home faster_ ," he quoted from memory, and she recoiled as if slapped. "Isn't that what you said right before we first set course for home?"

The words stung, but she refused to take his bait. "If you're such a strong advocate for the idea, why didn't you say so this morning? Instead, you looked like you hardly registered what was going on around you."

"I hadn't fully made up my mind then. B'Elanna had told me before the meeting, hoping to secure my endorsement, and although I felt certain that you'd stop her cold, I didn't want to preclude her from presenting her findings. I warned her that you'd be skeptical though."

"The buck always stops with the captain," Kathryn muttered, drawing up her own legs and leaning sideways, head dropping against the back of the couch. "Thanks a lot. I could've used some support when she opened that Pandora's Box."

Chakotay looked down at his hands again, kneading the pinky of his left hand with the fingers of his right. "I'm not sure I could've convincingly argued against testing the device," he finally confessed.

"What's there to argue?" she demanded. "The terms of the treaty are clear: development or use of cloaking technology by the Federation is expressly forbidden."

He lifted his head again, his dark eyes now far more expressive than they had been in the morning. "We're still half a galaxy away from Federation territory. They'd probably never know. After all, it's not like this device would actually shorten the way, it would just make it safer. Who knows what else we'll come across in the next fifty or so years to update and replace current systems."

"Then why not toss the Prime Directive out an airlock while we're at it?" Unable to sit still any longer, Kathryn jumped up and crossed to the far wall, leaning her back against it and crossing her arms in front of her. "I thought I'd made myself clear a long time ago: we may be cut off from Headquarters, but this is still a Federation ship, bound by Federation law and principles. Besides, both times we tried integrating alien technology into our propulsion system before, it very nearly cost us our lives. I'm not going to make that mistake a third time."

He nodded as if carefully considering her words. Then his large body uncurled and he sat up straighter. "Try to look at it from a different angle for a change. How could we justify using the device?"

Exasperated, Kathryn shook her head. "Chakotay…"

"Humor me," he insisted.

She wanted to scream at him, pull rank and make a command decision, order him to vocally support her in telling B'Elanna to send the Quorani engineers packing. Instead, she put the ball back in his court. "Since you seem to have it all worked out already, you tell me."

"Fine." He leaned back again and started ticking off points on his fingers. "One: we wouldn't be harming anyone and just protecting ourselves. Two: the Treaty of Algernon applies mainly in the Alpha Quadrant. I read up on it – shortly before _Voyager_ departed from _Deep Space Nine_ , they received a new support craft that was granted special permission for using a cloak in the Gamma Quadrant, permissible through an amendment to the treaty. Under the circumstances, I expect _Voyager_ would likely receive the same consideration."

Kathryn frowned but said nothing.

"Three," Chakotay went on, "the treaty applies only to Federation members. _Voyager_ has been lost without contact for so long that Command must have presumed us killed in action, thus exempting us from any obligation." At this, Kathryn snorted in disbelief but Chakotay went on, undeterred, his voice now taking on a new edge. "Four: getting the crew home safely has always been your chief concern. Wouldn't you agree that every light year traveled in undetected safety is worth breaking a few laws?"

His gaze was so intense now that she couldn't meet his eyes any longer. She pushed off from the wall, her jaw set, trying to sort through the maelstrom of arguments in her head to pull out the magic words that would make him shut up. From the corner of her eye she saw him follow her every move, watching as she paced like a caged animal. She finally came to a halt right in front of him, hands falling heavily to her hips. "What do you want me to say, Chakotay? Third time lucky? Easy as that?"

He regarded her silently, his expression softening. When he reached for her, she took a step back. With a sigh, Chakotay said, "I want you to be honest with me. Ultimately, the decision is yours, but I don't believe that the Treaty of Algernon is the deciding factor in your equation. Tell me what is."

Kathryn retreated further, moving backwards until the backs of her thighs bumped against her desk. Escape apparently wasn't an option. Her voice was raspy as she fought to keep it from trembling. "You're saying that every life saved traveling under the cloak is worth a potential court martial."

Chakotay seemed surprised by her statement, but nodded.

"I suppose most of the crew would agree with you. A board of inquiry might too. Hell, even I would have to agree. A captain always protects her crew above all else." She stood tall for another moment, but then her face and body both crumpled. "But I don't _want_ to have to face a court martial over this vague chance at slicing a year, maybe two or three off our journey by being stopped less often! It's just not enough to make it worth the ramifications." Chakotay looked confused. Her emotional reserve now completely eradicated, Kathryn sank to the floor in despair. "Once we get home, _if_ we get home, is it too much to ask that I be able to enjoy it? Free from any responsibility, just be myself again after years of being a captain non-stop? I'll have enough to answer for, considering all the protocol violations of the past four years, the deaths, the injuries. Not least of which was my decision to destroy the Caretaker's array, which could be considered both an act of war and a violation of the Prime Directive, depending on which angle you look at it from. At least our means of reaching home should be legitimate." When she lifted her face, tears were threatening to fall, but Chakotay's look of shock forced her to vocalize the heart of her troubles. "I'm afraid I can't be as selfless as you or the crew expect me to be."

"Oh Kathryn…" He was at her side in an instant, helping her up and back to the couch as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "I had no idea."

She was trembling now, and when she reached for her coffee, the cup shook so badly that she would've spilled some of the liquid if Chakotay hadn't steadied her hand. Once she'd taken a few sips, he took the cup from her and set it back down. Settling back into the couch, she took up the same position as before, sitting sideways with her legs under her, head laying back. "You weren't supposed to," she renewed the thread of their conversation again, closing her eyes wearily.

She'd thought that she'd left the Void well and truly behind, both physically and emotionally, but the same kind of feeling now threatened to paralyze her again. The cause was different, but her reaction to it felt very similar, and that terrified her. Back then, she'd ignored the telltale signs of depression, content to let Chakotay run the ship while she took some time out and sequestered herself in her quarters. Only an outside threat had managed to rouse her enough to leave her shell, and when she'd looked back later and seen how her non-performance had affected the crew, she'd vowed never to let anything similar happen again. It _was_ different now, with her being at the very center of the action, every further step hinging on her decision, but she wasn't sure she could make an objective call, or any call at all.

She felt Chakotay shift on the couch, and then his hands stole across her back. Slow, soothing strokes gradually gained more pressure as he started to massage her tight neck muscles before working his way down.

"We'll deal with this as we do any other problem," he said, continuing his ministrations. "Assemble all the data, analyze it, talk about the pros and cons. You've never been a dictatorial leader. Why do you think you have to be now?"

"There's too much at stake," she sighed. "If I miscalculate and make the wrong decision, it could have disastrous consequences." She opened her eyes and looked over her shoulder to catch his gaze. "Just remember the last time. It was my decision to engage the slipstream drive. And then you and Harry had to come back through time and space to correct what I'd done. There's only so many times you can change history before it swallows you up for good."

"Is that what you're afraid of, your place in the history books?"

"No. But I'm afraid of all our histories being cut much shorter than they're meant to be."

His hands moved up toward her neck again, easing away the tension. "That's life, Kathryn. There's always a measure of risk involved."

She turned then, catching his hand as it slid down over her shoulder and holding it firmly in her own. "Yes, but sometimes the risk outweighs the needs of the many."

He smiled. "And sometimes the confidence of the many outweighs the doubts of the few."

Before she could reply, B'Elanna's excited voice filtered through the comm. "Torres to Captain Janeway. We did it." Behind her, Harry and Tom could be heard whooping.

-==/\==-

Somehow, she'd managed to tell B'Elanna to meet her at the party. Somehow, she'd pulled herself together enough to get ready for said party, because not attending was simply not an option. Chakotay kept watching her, concerned and alert, but she rebuffed all his further attempts at talking.

B'Elanna was so excited that she kept stumbling over her own words, and Harry and Tom frequently interrupted her to add their own observations. The gist of their report was that after overcoming some initial problems, the cloaking device had mastered all tests with flying colors. They were already making plans to install it in the Delta Flyer, and just like this morning, Kathryn found that she didn't have the heart or the energy to deter them. Their conversation, though held in a quiet corner of the mess hall, soon filtered out to the room at large, and smiles spread across people's faces as they discussed the new and unexpected possibilities in hushed awe.

Kathryn put on a brave face as Neelix pressed a glass of champagne into her hand, declaring loudly, "This must be the happiest birthday you've ever had, Captain!" Chakotay squeezed her arm in silent support.

Her mind kept cycling through possible outcomes. Maybe, if the Delta Flyer disproved the engineer's claim at Quorani-Federation technological compatibility, she'd still be able to get off the hook with her reputation intact. Maybe, if the cloak did indeed hide the Flyer from detection, the Quorani would retract their generous offer and keep the prototype for themselves, or at least demand such an outrageously high price that Kathryn would have no choice but smile politely and take her leave. Or maybe everything would work out as B'Elanna, Harry and Tom envisioned, and Starfleet would commend _Voyager_ 's captain for knowing when to bend which rules. For now, it was all up in the air.

Looking at the smiling and excited faces crowding the mess hall in her honor, Kathryn swallowed hard. "Third time lucky," she whispered, holding fast to her glass as she drained the champagne in one big gulp, toasting an uncertain future.

-==/ The End. \==-


End file.
